Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I just might be the Lunatic you're looking for?
I have problems. Everybody does. The thing is that most people, myself included, go about our days ignoring our problems or denying they even exist.
Part of me really misses living in a household where we all have problems, but no one really said anything about mine. They went seen but unspoken. It led to crappy self-esteem and one hell of an act. I can make the people I love believe that I'm okay. That I don't hate myself anymore. Hell, I've lied to my therapist. The thing that bothers me is when people see it and say something about it. Put my problems in my face. Reflect back to me exactly what I loathe and spend most of my time wishing fervently would just up and disappear. That's the funny thing about problems, they don't just melt away like ice cream left out on the counter. They can sit there and be medicated into submission or hibernation, or they can be gouged out and vehemently killed.
I desperately want to sit with a therapist for perhaps a month of sessions and come away magically cured. I want to ignore the fact that the world doesn't work that way, and I must come to grips with that fact.
People used to tell me all the time; "You're such an amazing person! Never change!" and I would wonder why anyone would think that. I'm an actor. You hide what is ugly with smoke and mirrors so you only show what people perceive to be lovely and admirable. People have also told me, through tears, that they wished they could be more like me, or be me. I also can't understand why anyone would want my life or my psyche. I have more problems, idiosyncrasies than the Eiffel Tower has bolts, or something equally applicable. The frustrating part is that I'm not changing as fast or as much as I would ideally like because I keep hiding. I hate being exposed because I have problems. I have problems because of my childhood. The wheel turns on and on but I go no where.
Why did all this come up suddenly? Because I was thinking about all the little lies and acts my amazing fiancee sees through. It's like he has The Sight and can see into my Faerie land, only he can see what is real and what is glamour. I don't feel worthy of his love, but I am so very grateful for all of it. For the sweetness and the silliness. For his serious moments, and his tenderness.